12/19
sex with the city

jason dropped me off 16th street after the party. it was almost 5:oo in the morning. it was raining harder than it had all season, and it felt that way, the furry knit cap that i'd been wearing all winter felt heavy and fleecy on my head. if i ever had a sheep sit on my head, i bet it would be this heavy.

the raindrops all glistened in the air, like life was on pause for a second. everything freezes, everything glows. 5:oo and even if you aren't drunk, you feel it. the time of night when i can throw my arms out like Jeffrey Wright in Basquiat, like the world is waiting for me to take a bow. Can i really leave this city? would i want to?

i was feeling this glorious feeling you just couldn't argue with. i mean, you could try, but my body was in such a state that it would disagree with you. i was feeling no pain and i was on my way to a religious experience. jason sped his car around and headed back to silver spring. but me, i was just recumbent in the sky. it was just starting to glow.

and i could stay here/become someone different/become someone better cat power but i can't, you know that ben folds and i have to head out. i do. like a back-door lover, only with a city.

some nights i feel like i'm having sex with the city. walking down all the crooked diagonals until i'm finally home, in my bed, nestled in and comfortable. it's kind of how i feel about being shomer negiah -- like i'm a woman who doesn't automatically orgasm, like i'm still searching for it.

like something out there is the perfect life for me, and if i rest before i get it, i'll be settling for something less than i ever wanted. like a lousy day job typing. like marrying someone just 'cause they're orthodox.

but this weekend, everything was as bright as joiya's skirt. i could have been blinded. instead i just reached out my hands and let myself be led around by my friends who could see where i was going, and i liked where they took me.