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Losers: a novel by Matthue Roth

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11/16
west siiiiide

so there was an hour before shabbos and erez was mumbling and incohate on the phone,
modularmoods: i dunno,,,,what do *you* wannA Do for the shabbs?!!
...and all of a sudden i got an IM from aaron. who NEVER im's me. it's what the rabbis call divine providence. he gives me an address. the subway trains show up like prophets, gliding into the station just as i transfer. i don't have a dress shirt with me, no worries, i step off the train and right across the street is the only salvation army in the entire affluent, banana republic-ified Upper West Side.

and all of a sudden i'm in a synagogue where everyone are 20something well-put-together stylish orthodox jews, praying the life out of their prayerbooks and shmoozing it up with a frenzy.

turns out my friday night meal isn't happening, and nobody invites me. it's kind of creepy. in SF, the desolate void of orthodox jews, i'm the only meal for miles around, and we always make extra space, squeeze 30 people into the living room. but where there are a million jews, everyone's so paranoid about meals.

no problem, i head to the carlebach shul where there's always a communal meal. nope. this shabbos is international shabbos, only foreigners allowed. then this voice rings from across the room calling my name. it's elchanan, the wacky norweigan who stayed with me for all sukkos!! he scoops my arm up and tells me that this shabbos, we are the Oslo delegation.

and we have dinner.

eventually i get scooped up by these OTHER manic orthodox kids who take me to Aish, yet another community dinner, where we swipe some dessert and who happens to catch me but tahli, the co-director of that documentary i'm in.

and then i get back to the place i'm staying, and my host just HAPPENS to be the biggest Marvel Comics fan in the world....

some people use science and math to prove that there's a divine order to the universe.

me, i just throw myself off a cliff and see who'll catch me.

and i got this hot, hot person's phone number. you'd probably think it was a girl, but, come on, we're talking about me. so guess who's getting set up with rabbi shmuley boteach??!!!!

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candy in action: a novel by matthue roth

www.candyinaction.com ... supermodels, kung fu, and a free soundtrack.